I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
