I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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