You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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