I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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