booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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