LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
