I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
