I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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