Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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