The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
