she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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