BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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