i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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