i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
