I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
