K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish