Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men