I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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