Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
