I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
