Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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