Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
