You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
two words: eviction party
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Couch. On fire.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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