Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
