I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
