You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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