Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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