I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
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So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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