Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
