Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
