And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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