even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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