Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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