Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
