i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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