Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
