Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
