Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
