PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
