I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
