Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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