Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
