new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
