life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
