Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
