so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
