Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
