One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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