just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
