I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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