Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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