Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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