i barfeds in our rink
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
