you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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