My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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