Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
