i think my tv is drunk
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
