Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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