is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
