Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
