1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
